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Breakfast Links: Stephen Colbert Would Rather Be Killed by A Cartel Than Put Lemons in His Guac

Watch Stephen Colbert Rant About the Lime Shortage (Eater) “Thankfully our Bud Light Lime is safe because it is flavored with Glade PlugIns.” 15 Captivating Works Of Art That Challenge The McDonaldization Of Society (HuffPost) Yeah, there was a Portlandia sketch about this very concept.

Travel Channel Gets Michael Voltaggio To Host a Parts Unknown Ripoff

So, as we were scrolling through Travel Channel’s latest lineup of green-lit series, coming to a Torrent host near you, one show in particular stuck out.

Main Ingredient in Sizzurp Now Illegal, Rappers Reportedly Going Bonkers

We write about food. And we write about celebrities. Which is the reason we are justifying informing our readership of this important food shortage: the main ingredient in the popular rap star beverage known as “sizzurp,” “purple drank,” and “sip sip” will no longer be produced, and has consequently led to dramatic sizzurp shortages throughout the nation.

So Wait, Is There Going to Be Another Eataly in New York? Maybe? Who Knows?

This morning, the New York Post reported that Joe Bastianich and his Magical Italians were in talks to put a second Eataly in New York City, which is probably the only city in the world that could use two Eatalys.

Bourdain Parody of the Day: ‘I Wear a Leather Jacket on My Heart and I Have Cigar Eyes’

A little background information: Mallory Ortberg is my arch nemesis. Or my soul sister, but since conflict is more compelling, let’s say arch nemesis.

Breakfast Links: Obama Dreams of Jiro Dreaming of Sushi

Obama Eats At One Of The World’s Best Sushi Restaurants (AP) Yes, the leader of the free world somehow scored a reservation for dinner at the legendary sushi restaurant Sukibayasho Jiro, along with Japanese PM Shinzo Abe, US Ambassador Caroline Kennedy, and National Security Advisor Susan Rice.

Playtime: This Celebrity Chef Coloring/Activity Book Is Totally Charming

Josh Ozersky discovered a playful culinary coloring and activity book called Small Thyme Cooks, which he bills as being for “Children of All Ages,” but we, like him, just spent a really long time scrolling through the free downloadable pages on its blog, so it feels pretty adult-friendly to us.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Lifestyle Brand Goop In Serious Debt

Today is a special day. Today, we laugh at the follies of Gwyneth Paltrow, whose expensive “lifestyle brand” lifestyle has been discovered to be unsustainable.

WATCH: Ilan Hall Teaches Jimmy Fallon and Questlove How To Stuff Sausage, No One’s Masculinity Is Preserved

Ilan Hall stopped by The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon last night, which was unfortunately and totally eclipsed by Brian Williams’ rendition of “Gin and Juice,” but no matter, because we’re here to catch you up.

Powdered Alcohol No Longer A (Legal) Thing; Feds Reverse Approval of Awesome Beverage

Sorry, alcohol enthusiasts: while we reported earlier that the federal government had approved powdered alcohol for public sale, it turns out that they made an error and that it’s actually not approved.

Breakfast Links: Guy Fieri Acknowledges His Cuisine Heralds End of Days

Flavortown USA: Behold the Menu for Guy Fieri’s New Las Vegas Restaurant (Eater) “Apocalyptic marinara” has never been so appropriate.

WATCH: Jon Favreau Puts Cute Little Boy to Work As Line Cook

Here’s another clip from the upcoming Jon Favreau movie Chef, which is shaping up to capture all the weirdness of celebrity chefdom, from social media to slightly illegal behavior.

WATCH: Xanax Bunny Visits Preschool, Hides Anxiety Meds in Easter Egg Hunt

The Xanax Bunny visited one very special little girl during a school-sponsored Easter egg hunt in Roseville, Michigan, gifting her an Alprazolam-stuffed plastic egg.

WATCH: Allison Robicelli Calls Nick Lachey an Idiot to His Face, It’s the Most Satisfying

Allison Robicelli of House Cupcake, our liege lord, popped up on VH1′s Big Morning Buzz to make gluten-free macaroons for Passover, refer to host Nick Lachey exclusively by his full name, and poke a gentle rib at his intellect that not even Jessica Simpson could miss.

Del Taco Accidentally Charges Customer $10,220 for Six Tacos

Thanks to a glitch, or an over-greedy employee, or something, a Del Taco in California accidentally charged around 150 customers thousands of dollars for their cheap quasi-Mexican takeout.

WATCH: Toasting Marshmallows Is So Easy, A Monkey Could Do It

Well, really, it’s a Bonobo ape, which are notoriously intelligent — but we ain’t never seen a primate manage to build a fire and roast marshmallows on its own, without help from a trainer.

Breakfast Links: Man Buys New Neighbor Applebee’s Gift Card To Be Nice, Cynical Internet Assumes PR Stunt

Heartwarming letter welcoming new neighbor with Applebees gift card goes viral (NY Daily News) A guy named Chris decided to welcome his new neighbor to the building with a list of things she might need to know about the unit, plus an Applebee’s giftcard, for “dinner on him” while she was dealing with the stress of moving.

The Best of the Chefs’ Easter Tweets (Or, How Martha Stewart Won Easter)

For real, though — go home chefs, Martha Stewart has Easter covered. Looks like everyone is eating candy (except for Padma Lakshmi) and making delicious food; but Martha has real stuffed bunnies at her feast, so.

Study: Expensive Food = Sex; Cheap Food = Crack

At least that’s what our poor man’s reviews of restaurants say, anyways. A new study just out from researchers at Stanford and Carnegie Mellon analyzed the “linguistic structure” of nearly 900,000 Yelp reviews, reports the Washington Post, and the findings aren’t all that surprising.

A Pizza Cake: Is This a 4/20 Miracle?

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT. Everyone pack your bags now and start heading to Canada, where (in addition to universal health care) you may soon find the glorious “pizza cake,” made by pizza chain Boston Pizza.